Date: 2005-06-24, 11:54 AM PDT
Dear Red States…
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
I haven’t checked a single fact on here, but this is still funny. :)
- scifee reblogged this from thegeekmaster
- dergrosseman reblogged this from thegeekmaster
- messerefingers reblogged this from thegeekmaster
- messerefingers likes this
- animeds7 likes this
- thegeekmaster reblogged this from ryyn-strange
- comeonandbedecent likes this
- not-at-the-dinner-table reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- make-my-system-roll reblogged this from juicewzl
- keithanime likes this
- a-ninja-shopper reblogged this from with-milk-and-honey
- a-ninja-shopper likes this
- ces-espacesinfinis likes this
- three-peas likes this
- to-them00n-andback reblogged this from mostlyjudson
- theeversobeautifulchaos likes this
- tricolorblackbird likes this
- with-milk-and-honey likes this
- with-milk-and-honey reblogged this from nynaeve-almeara
- science-ignites reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- thisiswhatsassymeans reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- mostlyjudson reblogged this from skepticalavenger and added:
- neomc3 likes this
- songstryss likes this
- sr-troll likes this
- bombshellbeautifulblonde likes this
- justanotherheathen likes this
- 67000mph likes this
- privategalaxy reblogged this from skepticalavenger and added:
- unquietmindofamy likes this
- wordofdj reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- nynaeve-almeara reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- quixylvre likes this
- juicewzl reblogged this from skepticalavenger and added:
- neptunes-only-daughter likes this
- drfarrington likes this
- rosenotrosie reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- but---no likes this
- noneofyourbusinesswierdos reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- harena said: For one, NC still could go either way and for two *we* have the best beaches, so there, nyaah ;D
- karmainmyeye reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- karmainmyeye likes this
- dontbaracktheboatbaby reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- goldenseakitty likes this
- ryyn-strange reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- aspiringtomanydreams reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- jimeng-xi likes this
- djentrezn0r reblogged this from skepticalavenger
- djentrezn0r likes this
- catarmies likes this